kohzhihao; tanqianyi ♥

i thought that i can handle the pain.
the heartache.
the horror of seeing you there.
so peacefully.

alas, i can't.

/.23.1.08
we met up and walked to the church down cityhall.
i hugged the presents i had for lav tightly in my arms.
when we stepped into the prayers hall,
the atmosphere was weird.
solemn.
caught sight of lav's parents.
they were getting ready for the prayers.
we walked over to the wooden bed that held lav in it.
i thought that i can hold back my tears.
but in the end when i saw lav lying there lifeless,
i cried.
we all cried.
there were lots of teddy bears and flowers by her side.
i left some of our photos and a small teddy bear for lav.
she always loved teddy bears.
we got ready for the prayers.
i couldn't concentrate but i tried my very best to.
afterall,
the prayers are for lav.
my beloved lav.
after the prayers,
we gave our blessings to lav one last time.
her parents are going back to australia after the funeral to settle some things.
cried on the way home.
and cried the whole day.
didn't answer dee's calls.

today,
i am feeling much better.
though there's this emptiness in me.
going to meet darling clique tomorrow.
even though i am afraid of being reminded of lav,
i am still looking forward to meeting them.

going to try to sleep now.
i know,
it's still early.
but yeah.
moodless

my evil side

honestly,
i feel so useless.

there's nothing i can do for lav.
nothing.
dee has been trying to comfort me.
i dread having to see jing in school tomorrow.
i dread seeing her puffy eyes and then when we see each other,
we will cry.
i dread having to see the others at the funeral tomorrow.
i fear that i will cry.

i have decided to give lav some of her priceless shots with us.
so that she will remember us and that we will be with her forever.

my evil side

./there are many things in life that we can't control.
./there are many things in life that we don't know.

i am truly angry with lav right now.
.
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rewinded

1.32am
'hello? stac? i don't know how to tell you this but...*crying*'
'what's wrong manda?'
'lav passed away due to an overdose of drugs in her hostel.'
'...'

i was quietly waiting for manda to give me the
'Ahha! Got'cha!'
sound but it never came.
at that moment,
my mind was blank.
i hated lav and scolded her.
scolded her for leaving us,
for leaving me.

just 4 months ago,
she went back to australia for her new school term.
and now,
she's gone.
because of what?
drugs?!

why on earth will lav take drugs?
she has got everything a girl wants.
money.
looks.
guys.
great parents.
overseas education.
great friends.
perfect relationship.
good grades.
it really doesn't give me an answer why.

digging up the photos taken with lav.
my tears flowed down.
gene said that she actually committed suicide because of her australian boyfriend.
apparently they were together for 6 months and had sex but the guy wanted to end it all last week.

wtfcuk.
jerks.
they are all jerks.
i just hope that he sleeps well in the hostel everynight.

lav was found dead at 8.15pm on 19 January 2008.
her parents gave her a church ceremony in australia.
now they are arranging for lav's body to be send over to singapore.
and lav will have a funeral tomorrow at one of her favourite church.

there's no doubt that we are all going.
right now,
i am fighting back my tears.
i want lav to see the cheerful me.
she always dreaded to see me in tears.
i believe she will be dressed in her very best and watching over us tomorrow.

A tribute to my best friend, Lavender Lynns Steven
16 March 1989 to 19 January 2008
we got to know each other in 2004.
we had laughters together.
we played pranks on others.
we skipped lessons just to go to a concert.
we threw dry ice in the lab.
we had sushi for a whole week during our investment programme.
we cried and laughed when we got our results.
we oogled at cute guys and snubbed when they approached.
we cried when you left for australia.
we vowed to stay in touch and be best of friends.
we had national day together.
we had sleepless nights together.
we made priceless videos for each other.
we promised to go paris together.
we aimed to be the world's top lawyer and musician.
we said to meet again when you come back in june 2008.
we were supposed to spend my 18th birthday together.
but you left.
you left all alone in australia.
without any of us by your side.
you left me to go fulfill the promises alone.
you left me to go over to the other side alone.
you didn't even give me a chance to say my last words to you.
you are just so cruel.
i guess you went back to god.
you must love him more than us.
i love you, lav.

i regret not im-ing her when i saw her online last 2 weeks.
she was already facing relationship problems.
and yet i was too preoccupied with my schoolwork to even listen to her.
now it's all too late.

i hope you rest in peace now lav.
and please know this,
i love you.

stac.

my evil side

why aren't you talking to me?
because i am scary?
LOL
like i said before.
don't judge me.
you don't even know me.
we have just met for like 2 weeks plus?
and because of this,
the project is completely...
destroyed./

it's not that i blame you or anything.
but aren't you being a little prejudiced?
others i don't rake up.
but the way you react when ling told you to pass me something is just so...
negative.
the moment i took the paper from you,
you immediately withdrew your hand and walked away.
maybe i am being too sensitive?

seriously,
why do i care so much about what you think?
don't think too much.
it's only because of the project and the marks.

i have given everything i can into this project.
i wanted to be with dee but due to some constrains,
i gave up.
now we rarely meet.

if i don't get an A because of you.
then i will really turn nasty.
so please,
just co-operate with me this once.
and after that,
we can each go seperate ways.

my evil side

./

say yo!
....
ok.
maybe no.

i am rotting over here.
skipped the second half of school today just to be with manda.
and her o'so fabulous dress.
which i think is rags.
no offence really.

just read through someone's blog.
he disgust me.
copying someone's work and calling it your own
no matter how you twist the words,
reform the sentence over and over again,
it still isn't your work.
get a life
exactly how lazy are you to blog?
if you are THAT lazy,
don't blog.
better still,
don't even create one.
i am ashamed to even know you.
& mind you,
i am already thick-skinned enough.
after all the backing-up words that i put in for you,
i totally regret it.
utterly repulsive.

ok.
manda's back from the closet.
and here's a warm...
good-bye

my evil side

if you decide to leave,
then it's because you are a wimp.
if you decide to stay,
then it's because you are courting trouble.

no matter what,
i advise you to stop your cranky plans now.
because if we continue to battle on,
i will win.

my evil side

school was draggy.
we have more projects and tests coming up.
guess i am still unclear that i am in year 2 now.

something happy though.
am in same class as dee.
but andrew and jon not same class as me anymore.
*pouts & hit andrew and jon*

stopped work for 1 month altogether and am starting again tomorrow.
oh gawd.
i miss alan.
i miss kellie.
i miss joyce.
i miss shafiq.
i miss rain.
and i will be taking the morning shift together with alan and kellie.
my two homies.
eheheh.
((((:

walked to jon's house after school.
took something from him and then brought shadow out for a walk.
he started chasing some birds and then he nearly bumped into a tree.
wtfcuk.
he needs glasses.
LOL

shawn and him are no longer in rjc.
and shawn is really busy.
preparing for the rom thingy and all.
news is that shawn will get engaged first then once he complete his ns,
they will get married.
as for him,
i heard that he is waiting for his ns call in and he enrolled for NUS medical school.
wish him all the best.

my goal is SAL or SMU.
but NUS is also an alternative.
stacytan,
no matter what,
work hard towards being a lawyer.
no doubt that i will be a top notch lawyer one day.
*thick skinned*

my evil side

i am still not sleepying.
i am sleepy.
but no matter how hard i try,
my eyes just won't close for a good 4 hours.
before i get ready to rush off to meet manda.

i sincerely want to thank manda and dee.
for being there through it all.
and the others too.
for your cheer-ups and warm blessings for them.

i don't ever feel deprived of anything before.
but now i feel so deprived of fresh air.
i need to have fresh air.
i need a walk along the nature.
perhaps a long stroll along the beach.
but do i have the time and energy?

i spoke to evelyn.
she told me to look on the bright side of things.
that part of her and shawn is already gone.
no use for me to keep holding on.
fine.
i will give up.
just because of evelyn.

but also because this is my final year.
my crucial year.
i can't let anything distract me.
i must attain my law studies.

talked with shawn too.
i said sorry.
he knows that i didn't mean it.
and assured me that nothing will go wrong.
and that he will always be here for me.

i really hope that nothing will change.

my evil side

shawn is tying the knot.
congratulations.

i shall not disclose much that happened on that day.
by right,
i should not.
but i feel the urge to let things out.

the moment shawn held alicia's hand and announced that they were getting married,
i teared.
it's one thing that shawn let go of evelyn.
and another that he's getting married to someone he just met.
perhaps if the other party was evelyn,
i will be willing to look at this matter more cheerfully.
but alas.
he chose alicia instead of evelyn.

if given a chance to choose,
i will still prefer evelyn to be my sister-in-law rather than alicia.
but shawn let evelyn down and i can't ask her to come back just because of me.
no.
i can't be so selfish.
evelyn has the right to pursue her own happiness.
shawn is the dumb one here.
not that alicia is bad.
but i just prefer evelyn more.
maybe because evelyn had been with shawn for 5 years.

i simply can't accept this.
i stood up from my seat and proceeded back to my room.
sherlin knows me best.
she will always be on my side.
but this time,
she stood on shawn's side.
their side

mum,
dad and sherlin had a talk with me.
but still.
how can anyone forsake the truth that the two of them just barely met?
shawn tried to talk to me but i scolded him.
i scolded him for letting go of evelyn.
i scolded him for not thinking for me.
i scolded him for being so selfish.

i hate you!

the last line that i said to him.
eventhough i don't mean it,
i just felt like saying it.

dee told me to let things go.
evelyn and shawn are history.
while shawn and alicia will be the future.

seriously i still can't accept it.
and can't come to terms with it.
but i know that no matter how i object or pout,
the wedding will still go on.
and shawn will still get married with alicia.
and alicia will sooner or later be part of the Tan family.
thinking about these,
my heart wrenched.
but still i have to give them my blessings.

and it has to come from the bottom of my heart.
somehow i am going to do that.
and give them my true blessings.

should one day i really stop talking to shawn,
i will still have no regrets.

right now,
everyone in the family is talking about their wedding.
but not me.
i don't think i will ever bring up this wedding until it comes.
and once the wedding is over,
i will revert back to my corner.
i guess then i won't say anything else wrongly.
otherwise i just know that my words will be heart-piercing to shawn.

so yeah.
my blessings bro.

my evil side

not once did i ever need to worry about getting into trouble.
not once did i ever need to fret about having no money to use.
not once did i ever need to think if someone will be there for me.

perhaps it's because i know that you will always be there.
for me to lean on.
to settle the damages that i caused.
to provide my daily needs.
but now.

maybe one day you will stop spending time with me and lead your life with your family.
i still love you/-
nothing else to declare.
it's simple and easy.
my blessings will be there for you.
i do hope it reaches you in time.
&i am sorry.
for all that i said that day.
for all the sad and worried faces.

it was supposed to be a happy occasion.
a happy announcement.
but i guess it came too unexpectedly.
i am still not used to the idea of ~~losing~~ you to someone else forever.
no.
perhaps this is not losing someone.
but instead gaining someone else.
anyhow,
i apologize.

./maybe i am still the possessive little girl back then

my evil side

dumbfcuk.
don't think just because you are holding a higher position,
you can boss me around.
you arse.

my evil side

new year greetings everyone!
and just fyi, my christmas was a blast!
spent it with my all-time ultimate besties.
and dee.
(((((:

had a blastfull countdown too at vivo.
and i got to spend it with all the coolest hunks and babes in town!
seriously, my clique-ultimate are the coolest people ever!
:D

went to town with my darlings again.
i decided to change my style.
so i wore my skinnies and little miss sunshine shirt with my face looking nowhere near SUNSHINE.
manda messed up my hair and applied dark eyeliners for me.
i look like a coo-lio girl.
nevermind that.

stares soon erupted when gene made a remark on the mrt.
stacytan shops at This Fashion.
and i replied her with.
stacytan DO NOT NEVER EVER shop at orbit shops puh-lease.

i swear i almost died when people,
mostly aunties,
started looking at me.
#########

we headed off to far east.
then sure enough, manda pushed me in to This Fashion.
and we tried on some dresses.
not ~~too~~ bad.
but still a fashion no-no.

camwhored in the toilet.
and everywhere around taka.
visited kino and gene bought a pack of tarot.
sat around and crapped.
met up with dee and went to vivo with him.

my evil side